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[tonember]

Username:tonember

Name:Sean O'connor
Gender:male
Age:16
School:Higashi High for Tokyo
School clubs:Art club, soccer club and student council

Sill stats

Stamina:10
Strength:8
Defense:10
Speed:12

Status: F-class

AT info:White worn out leather shoe with three red stripes on either side. There are two wheels on it (the wheels are worn out too), and they don't have anything on them.
http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f122/nyooool/P1050540lloJPG.jpg http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f122/nyooool/P1050541llJPG.jpg
Eye color:blue
Hair color: dark orange
Skin tone:almost white with freckles
Height/Weight:170 cm/63kg
Blood type: B
Overall appearance:The hair is spiky,and if it weren't spiky then it it would be as long as a mans middle finger. At the neck he has big earphones,because when he's practicing he listens to music,because he can concentrate better that way. He listens to music with an mp3 which was attached to his left arm with a black strap. Normal T-shirt with red, orange and blue stripes on it, sweatpants that are too long for him and on one of his legs its rolled up and the theres the AT. His body is tough, but not too strong.


Likes:to draw,to fly and to read.
Dislikes:homework, bugs and alcohol.
Hobbies: AT, drawing and taking the dog out for a walk.

Fears:He's afraid of small rooms and injury.
Goals:He wants to fly very high and to be free!
Overall personality:He's caring and friends are very important to him! He's calm and ,because that he is hard to anger him.The only thing he could be angered with was his friends and family becoming targeted by any enemy!
He' popular with girls,because he knows how handle them, but he fits in everywhere.The bad thing about him is that when he starts something then he just can't stop!And that's because he can't give up. That's annoying sometimes, because everyone has to know where the stopping point is! He loves his family but sometimes he gets tired of them. The problem is that he doesn't respect them, because they're not the typical role model parents they should be!They just don't look after the kids as they should.Sean and his parents argue a lot.But he just loves his sister! IF he gets angry his sister always tries to help him. He likes to talk to her because she listens to him (no matter how long it will take him to express himself) and understands him, as she goes through almost the same thing as him.


Birthplace:Ireland
Birthdate:1991 aug. 5.
Birthtime: 10 am.
Parents: Parents are still together.The mothers name is Eve Sanders and the
fathers name Frank O'connor.
Siblings:A sister named Susan!

Overall history:He moved from Ireland to Japan, because his father got work there!He was 5 years old. At first he didn't like it because he couldn't fit in, because he didn't speak the language! It was there that he began to fear the small rooms.And that was because he lived in a high building in Tokyo and he had use the lift! And then once when he was in it, it just stopped midway. Even the lights have gone out an he couldn't use his phone either?He was not alone! There was another man who had his hood over his face and blood was dripping from his lips!Sean was afraid of him doing something to him.But he didn't! He was in there for an hour when the electricity came back and the lift started to move again.When the other man got out he looked back and gave him a bloody smile.It scared the hell out of Sean!
When he learned the language he fitted in perfectly. His schoolmates became friends and they taught him AT! They formed a team!They had few enemies in the AT world who were jealous of their team. He wasn't the leader but they didn't have conflicts about leadership. They didn't have conflicts at all!
That's when AT became one of his best friend!


Roleplay sample: Sean heard the wind screaming in his ears! His AT was worn out from him practicing all the time.
Then he came out from the tunnel of houses and was flying! His heart was beating hard and fast. Bamm! His AT hit the ground hard. He thinks of going home to eat his breakfast (since it was still 7 am)when he saw it!The sticker of his and his schoolmates group, what was put out the day before,but it wasn't the same:on it was another sticker that said Whistle of the wind!


Extra:He has a dog named Scamper!

[smoosh]

^ fyi, you posted this in the wrong section, remember how i said to post in in the RPG REGISTRATION?! and this request should go to Art's section if you want your RPC drawn, you just need to include your AT detail, and overall appearance in the request.

OH FYI. sit tight..you're gonna need it xDD

[Sunny]

Mmm... there are plenty of things that require fixing. Let's go through the app. bit by bit, alright? ^^ Pay attention to the red parts and my comments.

Before we start... this is a text-based RPG. This means you'll be writing with other people. Remember that this app's main purpose is to describe your character in such a way that others can get an idea of who your character is.

Name:Shiki
Gender:man
Age:16
School:Higashi High for tokyo
School clubs:Art class, Gym class and student council

First of all, the name. Shiki what? Does Shiki has a last name? Is Shiki Irish? If he is, why does he have such an Asian (more specifically, JAPANESE) sounding name?

Gender: Your gender is either "male" or "female". Please use the appropriate vocabulary.

Please capitalize "Tokyo".

"Art class" and "Gym class" are not clubs. Clubs are extra-curricular activities. Anything that ends with a class is not a club. Please change these two into... actual clubs.

AT info:Kinda looks like an ADIDAS shoe with red stripes on it.
Based on this, this reader has NO CLUE what your ADIDAS shoes look like. What material? What color? What size? What shape? Also, where are the red stripes? On top? At the back? On the bottom? At the sides? Where are the wheels? How many wheels are there? What color are the wheels? Are the wheels decorated?

More information please.


Eye color: red
Hair color: orange

Your character has... RED eyes... naturally? I find that hard to believe. Please give a reason why your eyes are red, of all colors. (Unnatural eyes usually indicate contact lenses of some sort.)

Also... orange hair? DX *dies* Again, the realism factor. I'll be okay with this if it's dyed, or just a really glossy/bright shade of blond.

Overall appearance: hairs spiky,at the neck he has big earphones,normal T-shirt with red, orange and blue stripes on it, sweatpants that are too long for him and on one of his legs its rolled up and the theres the AT!!
This is the start of a new sentence. Therefore, please CAPITALIZE the "h". Also, the correct grammar is "hair IS spiky", not "hairs spiky".

This section is too short. We need more information. How spiky is his hair? What length is his hair? Are there any distinct facial/bodily features? Are there any tattoos or scars? What is he built like? Why does he wear earphones on his neck? Does he only have one outfit... or does he change?

More information! At least five to eight more lines.

Also, this whole block of text is one big sentence. For readability's sake, please separate it into smaller sentences at appropriate places.


Hobbies: AT, drawing and taking the dog out for a walk.
He has a pet dog? That's something to put in the "Extras" section.

Fears:He's afraid of bees and injury

Why bees?

Overall personality:He's caring, friends are very important to him! It's hard to anger him and he's cool!!

Um... "cool"? In what way? DX

Also, this section is way too short. WAY too short. We learn next to nothing about Shiki. He's caring and friends are important, and he has a long fuse. What else? What makes him sad, or happy? And what makes him angry anyways? How "hard" is it to anger him? How does he act around other people? Is he a happy-go-lucky person? Does he flirt? Does he follow all the rules? Does he respect his elders? Is he a rebel? What does he value?

More information! At least five to ten more lines.

Prents: still together, Mothers name is Eve, Father name Frank
Siblings:a sister


"Parents" is the correct spelling... not "Prents".

And again... last names?

And what is the sister's name?

And... there are grammar errors. The correct version should be: "Mother's name is Eve. Father's name is Frank."

Overall history:We moved from Ireland to Japan, because my father got work here! That's all I can say!!!


In this RPG, we ban strongly discourage the use of first person pronouns in writing. This means no "I, me, my, mine, we, us, our"... unless your character is speaking or thinking. Stick to the "he, she, his, her, them, and their".

Again, too short. Nobody's history is that simple. If I ask you the story of your life right now, you probably wouldn't be able to summarize it as "I moved". I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS IS ALL YOU CAN SAY ABOUT SHIKI! THERE MUST BE MORE! :bad:

Here are a few questions to help you think:

How is Shiki's relationship with with his family? Has he ever been in any major accidents before? What is his school life like? When did he start drawing? How well does he draw? What got him into reading? Why does he dislike bugs? Why does he dislike alcohol? WHY he is afraid of bees and injuries. Did something happen in his childhood or something? Why does he "want to be free"? Is he currently "not free" in any way?

So yes. Give me two to three well developed paragraphs here.

I heard the wind screaming in my ear! My AT was leaving
scratches all over the walls of the houses! Then I came out from the tunnel of houses and I was flying! My heart was beating hard and fast! Bamm! I hit the ground with my AT's. I think of going home to eat my breakfast (since it was still 7 am)when I saw it!The sticker of our group, what was put out the day before,on it was another sticker that said White Wolf's Clan!!

Once again, the me-my-I thing is a big no-no over here. Change it to he-him-his.

Also... when you get to the actual RP, note that as a F-rank rider, you are just an A-T beginner. It is unlikely that you will be "leaving scratches all over the walls" right from the beginning. Keep this in mind once you've been accepted and all that. ;3

Also... "White Wolf's Clan"? If I'm not mistaken... that is the group of old guys from the manga, right? Remember that in the RP, none of the canon characters from Airgear exists. Don't ever refer to them. ;3

And for my biggest nitpick here...

EXCLAMATION MARKS!

You used too many. TOO many. Pretty much every single line ends with an exclamation mark. It gets tedious to read. Remember... full stops are your friends. Use them. ;3 Use your exclamation marks sparingly, and only when you have a very important point to emphasis. Otherwise, stick with that innocent little dot, alright?




So... edit the necessary stuff and we'll come take another look. ;3

[tonember]

Thank for helping! I will try hard!!

[tonember]

I wrote a new one I hope you like this one!!
I edited the first one!

[White Len]

The hair is spiky,and if it weren't spiky then it it would be as a mans middle finger.

I love the comparison here but what do you mean by your hair looks like a man's middle finger? Is it shaped like many different fingers sticking out of his scalp? or is the head resembling the shape of a middle finger if his hair grows out longer?

His body looks strong, but he' not that strong.

Would you be able to specify this bit? I would like to know how big he is because the description of his body looking strong and the fact that he is actually weaker than what his body looks like is too vague for me to image.

The only thing he could be angered with was his friends and family becoming targeted by any enemy!

Does this mean he gets targeted by enemy on frequent basis? Tell us more about this enemies in your history please.

He' popular with girls, but he fits in everywhere.

What personality trait is he popular for? More detail can improve your app.

The bad thin about him is that when he starts something then he just can't stop! That's annoying sometimes!

Can you be a little more specific with why he can't stop what he's doing when he gets going? And how did that affect others? why did it annoy others? More explanations please.

He loves his family but sometimes he gets tired of them.The problem is that he doesn't respect them as the parents that made him!

So he was adopted? Made by other parents? It's not a reason to disrespect them because he feels that the parents were the same people who gave birth to him. There has to be a more logical reasoning to back up why your character hate them so much. Otherwise you would have a easier time to say that the character is undergoing a mental disorder of disturbing nature that immediately makes him spite his parents for reasons known only to him. There can be many logical reasoning behind why your character can hate his parents I would like you to re-think about it and come up with an answer on this one.

IF gets angry her sister always tries to help him. He likes to talk to her because she listens to him (no matter how long it will take him to express himself) and understands him as she goes through almost the same thing as him.

When did he go through sex change? Also does that mean the sister also hates the parents for a odd reason you've yet to provide? I would like more details to be added.

He moved from Ireland to Japan, because my father got work here!He was 5 years old. At first he didn't like it because he couldn't fit in, because he didn't speak the language! It was there that he began to fear the small rooms.And that was because he lived in a high building in Tokyo and he had use the lift! And then once when he was in it, it just stopped midway. Even the lights have gone out? He was in there for an hour when the electricity came back and the lift started to move again.

I'm reading this but I really don't get why living in Japan would bring about his trauma of small rooms. One elevator incident can happen to anyone at least once in their lifetime. It happens to everyone in Japan and to be frank I've seen friends when I was 7 year old who weren't really bothered by it. You're going to need an additional factor to the elevator incident to make it into a traumatic experience that will scar you for life. I could give you a suggestion, maybe you were on a elevator one day and a adult asked you what floor your going to. The man and you can be talking friendly talks and the man suddenly press the floor right under your floor. He then exits and pulls out a kitchen knife at the doorway as it closes. You see the man running up the stairs with a crazed face and a lust for your blood, the elevator door finally opens and you see the same man with the kitchen knife standing outside the elevator welcoming you with a knife in hand. That would leave a definite scar of a elevator incident. Try to think outside the box and come up with a good logical answer to your events.


When he learned the language he fitted in perfectly. His schoolmates became friends and they taught hi AT! They formed a team! He wasn't the leader but they didn't have conflicts about leadership. They didn't have conflicts at all!
That's when AT one of his best friend!

Grammar here is just awful please fix them for your next review.

Overall I'm finding problems that need patching here and there so without anymore delay please tend to them before asking for another review in the near future. Thank you for being patient and we will get back to you soon.

[tonember]

Hope this is good

[tonember]

I edited it could someone take a look!!!

[tonember]

Some1 please take a look!! I've been waiting for more than 2 weeks now.

[krompt]

http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/4904/1approvedml4.png

Terribly sorry about the wait, I'll try to investigate what took so long, I really don't understand.

[tonember]

Thanks!!!!