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Knight of the Twilight
06-26-2008, 02:25 AM
User name:
Knight of the Twilight

GENERAL
Name: Souichiro Nagi
Gender: Male
Age: 15
School: When school starts in the fall it will be Toudou Academy
School Clubs:
Tae Kwon Do
Cooking
Track and field

Skill Stats:
Stamina: 10
Strength: 9
Defense: 9
Speed: 12

Total Skill Points: 40.

Status:
A-T Information:
My A-T's are black with a red X on each side of the shoe. The wheels are all so red with a black X's on each side of the wheel. The toe part of the A-T is a normal rounded toe. He knows there nothing special but he doesn’t need anything special to have fun



LOOKS



http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/6/6d/Tenjho_Tenge_anime_Nagi.jpeg/180px-Tenjho_Tenge_anime_Nagi.jpeg
Eye Color: My eye color is brown
Hair Color: blond
Skin Tone: pale skin tone, Caucasian
Height/Weight: 5.9 139
Blood-type: O

Overall Appearance:
My appearance starting with my hair. His hair is mostly up and is kind a split down the middle. With a half going left ish and the other half going right ish, but it is still mainly up. Moving down into the face. There are no scares on the face or neck. The ears have three sets of piercing in each ear. Going into the cloths. What is usually worn is a loosely fitted black dress shirt that is red on the inside with a Japans dragon that is printed into the fabric. With a black or white T-shirt on under it. The paints are a black dress paints that are loss and flexible. Muscular appearance is toned enough to see the muscles but not to the point where they will slow down the bodies moment.

PERSONALITY

Likes:
Training in any style of martial arts but his favorite is Tae Kwon Do
Hanging out with friends
Perfecting my tricks
Eating all most any type of food

Dislikes:
The strong picking on the weak
Hot and spicy food

Hobbies:
Cooking
Listening to music
Beating the crap out of some stranger that side I can fight

Fears:
Roller coaster

Goals:
To find my way among any of the nine roads or my own road and, to become a great A-T rider at the top of the Trophaeum.

Overall Personality:
Overall he is a nice guy. There are times where he can become a pyscho path but that is when he is in a fight. A fight for himself, his pride, life, or a friend but, being that pyscho path is not how he normally is. Still thought when his just being himself, he is clam, quite, and collective. Doesn't really cause trouble unless someone says something about fighting in such, rember he love a good fight but, lives for the ecstasy of battle. Normally he is not a really serious person but has his moments where he gets serious and that only really happens when trying to master a new trick or, a serious fight and or battle.

HISTORY

Birthplace: Chicago IL
Birth date: 1 16 93
Birth time: 11:11 p.m
Parents: Johnny and Lilly Nagi
Siblings: Only child

Overall History:
Souichiro Nagi was born in January, on the sixteenth at 11:11 p.m. in 1993. He weighted 8lbs 6oz and was born to Lilly and Johnny Nagi. They were married for about three years before having there first and only son. They all lived in Chicago IL. His up bringing was simple. He went thought pre-school,kindergarten, grade school, and junior high. Going to school for him was simple he just didn't care that much. He went to school to be able to get into a fight. He loved a good fight but lived for the ecstasy. The eight grades graduation day came and went and the day after a terrible accident happen. Johnny and Lilly were killed in a car accident that Souichiro was not part of. He was left alone and truly felt it.

He was left in the care of the state. He was there for two weeks while they found his living relatives. Who they found was his grandparents. They lived in Tokyo. He was on the next flight to them.

EXTRA
Extra:
He's wearing glasses. The earring are just three sets of black ball studs. Sooner or later there will be a tattoo's somewhere.

Role-play Sample:
Waking up in the morning and seeing a present next to my bed with a card saying, smile. Its rapped in sky blue wrapping paper with a red bow. As he unwrap it, it actually starts to make me smile and he gets excited. As he opens the box to find his first pair of A-T's. He grab the manual and started reading it. After he finished reading the manual he ran down stairs thanked grandma and grandpa. Strapped them on and
headed towards the front door.

He opens the front door and goes out side with his A-T’s already on his feet. As he tries to do the walk in his A-T’s to close the door behind him but, accidentally leans forwards and takes off. He moves forward a few feet and then does a flip off of the only foot he is on but lucky lands on the grass and is not hurt too much besides his pride. Souichiro pulls himself up off the grass and get back to the pavement.

As Souichiro stands for the second time now and makes his way towards the gate, he stumbles again but doesn’t hit the ground, on his back any ways. As he’s starting to get the feel of the acceleration and braking in the few minutes he has had on the A-T’s. It’s getting easier to move around. Souichiro gets up on more time and this time does not stumble or fall. Instead get around the corner of the gate and is gone. Before he even knows it he’s at a somewhat empty parking lot. Where he stops and gets his breath and gets a bottle of water out a vending machine.

As the sun beings to look likes going down and makes it a little cooler Souichiro gets back up on his feet starts going into an eight-ball figure. He did this for about 15 minutes and moved onto skating backwards the best he could. Sadly he is not the strongest backwards skater. Souichiro falls down quite a bit during the time he try’s to skate backwards. The passing people just hear random loud thuds and yelling of ouch and other stuff, from out of Souichiro’s mouth. As he hits the ground for the tenth time, he just lays there on the hot payment and says, ok I’m done for none.

This time Souichiro slowly gets up this time and just kind a stands there next to the light post and slowly moves towards that vending machine on the other side of the parking lot. Sadly as he reaches into his pocket to find nothing after walking to the farthest corner. Instead of doing nothing and turning around. He simple moves to the side of the machine and gives it a good whack but nothing happens. So Souichiro starts to head home as the sun beings to set in the distance. As he reaches the edge of the parking lot, he finally stops and sees the beautiful sun set at the end of the street and start to think in his head, I’m going to hurt tomorrow and this is going to be fun.

Sunny
06-27-2008, 10:39 AM
Hello there, Knight of the Twilight. I'm just here to offer some friendly advice. ;3

Alright... there are a few things that need to be fixed. Firstly...

Part One: Specifics

Age: 18
School: Higashi Junior High


You're 18 and in Junior High, Knight? I'm pretty sure Junior Highs only run up to Grades 7 or 8, and that's around 13 or 14 years old.

Skill Stats:
Stamina: 12.

Your stamina is set at 10. Can't change that. So stick those two extra points somewhere else, alright?


Eye Colour: My eye color changs around from green, gray, brown, and black
Honey, human beings can't change their eye color. We're RPing in a world without magic over here. Sure, there're ATs and everything... it's still set on Earth. Choose a color and stick with it.

PERSONALITY
i am most likly the easyist going person any one will ever meet. pretty much up for anything. Far warning though if you some how manige to get me angry, whach out. If you really get me mad, your a dead man.
Move that red part down to the Overall Personality.

HISTORY during the summer of my senior year my parents died in a car crash. When i was forced to move to my grandparents house in tokyo. I have not been registured for school yet because it is still more or less the middle of summer.

Move the red part down to your Overall History.


Part Two: General


1. Here's the thing, Knight, we don't use "I"s in the RPs or applications over here. That means no writing in the first person. None. Switch everything over to third person. Use "he did this and that" and "he has this and that" instead of the whole "I did this" and "I had that" thing.

2. Grammar. Capitalize the beginning of each sentence. Please. It makes it so much easier to read.

3. Length, honey. You've barely told us the essentials. We want to know more. Who is Bradley Thomas?

Appearance -- Since you don't have a picture, your description will have to be better. "Average white boy" tells us nothing. How "average" is average? Does he have freckles? What shape are his eyes? Does he have muscles? Scars from anywhere? Any special attributes? And as for loose clothing... does he wear hoodies? Long pants? Hides any part of his body?

Personality -- What happens when Thomas is angry? Why is it scary when he's angry? How laid back is "laid back"? How long is his fuse? What does he do during his free time? How does he react towards his fears? His likes? His dislikes?

History -- When was he born? Where did he live before coming to Japan? How did his parents treat him? What caused the accident? What happened in the aftermath of the accident? Did the accident change him in any way, shape, or form? Were there any trauma? How did he react towards having to move to Japan? Did he have a love interest back from... wherever he used to live? When did the accident happen anyway? How long had he been living with his grandparents? How is his life going right now?



There are SO MUCH more that you can write about. Give us AT LEAST one fully developed paragraph on each section. (Add like... 5 to 8 more lines to everything.) The more the better. We want a better gist of who Thomas Bradley truly is.

4. There are a few logical fallacies in your app. You said Bradley moved over during his senior year. And then you said he wasn't enrolled in school. However, you have him in Junior High at the moment. Strange. Fix that.

5. This is my personal nitpick. You can disregard it if you want to, but please format things up a bit? Bold the "Name, Gender, Age... etc. etc." stuff? Basically everything you've copied and pasted? It makes everything look so much more... well done.

Part Three: Typos, Grammar, Vocab

I'm just gonna... quote them:

track and feild
"track and field"

My A-T's are black with a red X on both side of the show, the wheels are all so red with a black X on each side of the wheel. The shoe part of the A-T is a normal rounded toe. I know there nothing special but i don't need anything special to have fun

Sorry, didn't quite understand the "both side of the show" section, and "all so" should have been "also". "The shoe part" should have been "The toe part" (the entire thing is a shoe.) Change the Is to he, and add full stops where appropriate.

My eye color changs around
Should have been "changes". And no, you can't change your eye color randomly. Please delete this, choose one color, and stick with it.

just your average tall skiny guy, with the exp of the mutable pericing along and up the ears, lower lip, and one in the tounge. There is a total of 11 pairs in the ear and one on each side on the lower lip.
The type of clothing that is mainly warn are dark in color and a lose fit.

Capitalize "Just", should have been "skinny", "tongue", and "worn". The "exp of the mutable" section didn't make sense.

i am most likly the easyist going person any one will ever meet. pretty much up for anything. Far warning though if you some how manige to get me angry, whach out. If you really get me mad, your a dead man.
Likes: chines and italine food
hang out with freinds
perfecting my tricks
Dislikes: any body that is rasic towards other

"likely", "easiest", "anyone", "somehow manage", "watch out", "you're", "Chinese and Italian food", "friends", "anybody", "racist"

And the capitalizing thing.

When i was forced to move to my grandparents house in tokyo. I have not been registured for school yet because it is still more or less the middle of summer.

I think you meant "then" instead of "when". And "Tokyo" is capitalized. "registered"... another typo.

Overall History: normal childhood up untill the accented

"until", "accident"

Waking up in the morning and seeing a present next to my bed with a card saying, smile. Its rapped in sky blue warpping papper with a red bow. As i unwrap it, it actuly startes to make me smile and get exicted and as i open the box to find my frist pair of A-T's (as i descired up above) and i grab the manual and started reading it. after i finished i ran down stairs thanked grandma and grandpa. Straped them on and started my frist ride, and spent the day out side.

First up, the typos:
"wrapping paper", "actually starts", "excited", "first", "described", "strapped", "first"

Secondly... change everything to third person.

Third... choose one tense and stick to it. Don't jump between the present and the past. We don't do time travel. ;3

And forth... I think your writing will improve with time... but some of the sentences are rather awkward to read.

omghi
07-03-2008, 07:49 PM
is there an rpg or something?

Sunny
07-03-2008, 08:06 PM
is there an rpg or something?

Yes, there is an RPG. >_>"

Sunny
07-04-2008, 06:40 AM
Alright. This is certainly easier to read. Not perfect yet, but we're getting somewhere. ;3

Alright, now your pronouns vary between third person and first. Switch them all over to third, please. All your "I" should be "he", "my" should be "his", and so on and so forth.

Now, put all your personality paragraph under Overall Personality and your history under Overall History.

There are still plenty of typos. Find them, correct them. Just use Microsoft Word and turn the spell-check program on. ;3

Your history is confusing. It's not structured. The easiest thing to do is to go through everything in chronological order. Start at your birth. End at the present. Put everything in between when and where they happened.


Personality--a psychopath, a nice guy, not too serious, and willing to kill? What? DX Confusing... Alright... please revamp. Make it... more logical. Why is he a psychopath again? And why is a nice guy willing to kill?

Knight of the Twilight
07-09-2008, 11:53 PM
thank you for pointing out my mistakes falling sun

meanlilkitty
07-16-2008, 02:02 PM
Approved by Meanlilkitty

Just keep an eye out for that grammar, especially with the first and third person thing.

Knight of the Twilight
07-31-2008, 03:10 PM
Skill Stats:
Stamina: 15
Strength: 9
Defense: 9
Speed: 12

Total Skill Points: 45

http://lounge.sorascans.com/showthread.php?t=3851
all post on this thread.
post 1 1Tp
post 2 1Tp
post 3 .4Tp
post 4 1Tp
post 5 1.1Tp

total for this post is 5Tp

http://lounge.sorascans.com/showthread.php?t=3874
post 4, 13, 16

post 4 .1Tp
post 13 .1Tp
post 16 .2Tp

total togerther 5Tp 4 Fp

4Fp left over.

Knight of the Twilight
07-31-2008, 03:13 PM
http://lounge.sorascans.com/showthread.php?t=3106
post 3

post 3 3Fp

total 1Tp and 2Fp

Skill Stats:
Stamina: 15
Strength: 10
Defense: 9
Speed: 12

2Fp left over

Knight of the Twilight
10-01-2008, 12:22 PM
Skill Stats:
Stamina: 15
Strength: 10
Defense: 10
Speed: 23

2.5 TP left over